Here’s looking at you

In Texas, everything is super-sized. Even the threshold for crazy is extreme. For example, Andre Thomas killed three people in 2004 (two of them children). Nothing too weird about this course of action, just a murderer who needs to fry. Ah, but what if he removed their hearts? Interesting, but you are not crazy. Alright, what if after the killings, Andre stabbed himself and then turned himself into police? Well, that’s really nutso, but still not enough to win an evaluation. Okay, then I see your murder, organ removal, self-inflicted knife wound, and guilty plea, and I raise you… an eyeball. Seriously, that is crazy, but not Texas crazy. As quoted in the article, “people do desperate things out of fear of punishment, as much as they do it out of insanity.” Well, I know Texans are tough, and I also know at least one is an idiot, but I think they need to give this case some more consideration. The fear of punishment wasn’t enough for Andre to avoid killing three people, but it was enough for him to empty the old eye socket, with his own fingers no less? Ever try to remove your own eyeball (or any part of your body for that matter) just to get out of trouble? Me neither, and there’s an obvious reason. And the  Bible quote surely should have clinched it. Alas, sorry Andre, you’re crazy, but not crazy enough for Texas. Remember those kooks from the Alamo?

So, what does it take for you to be Texas crazy? After considering it for some years, Andre figured out the secret formula. You need three bodies, preferably one adult and two children, three hearts (can be from the same three bodies), a self-inflicted knife wound, turning yourself into police, one right eyeball removed with your own hands, one left eyeball also removed with your own hands, and the left eyeball must be consumed… by you. Seems a bit extreme to me, but that is exactly what it took for Andre Thomas to finally get someone to admit that yeah, he may be a Texas crazy. Congratulations Andre, we’ll see you in Texas Hell.

Good old Democrats

After reading this article, I yearned for the Republicans to be back in office. At least they were predictable, committed, and united. You always knew where they stood. If you agreed with their agenda, you were happy because right or wrong, they got it done. Sure they may have destroyed this country over the last eight years, but they did it together and made their fellow cronies quite wealthy in the process.

Now the Democrats have a chance to reverse the damage, do some real good, and show everyone why they should be in power for the decade to come. Instead, without the Republicans holding their leashes and cracking the whip, the Democrats are running into each other trying to get the hell out of the way of progress. Quit jerking around and do something! JUST DO SOMETHING! What, you don’t want to make the same mistake as you did with the $750 bank bailout? Why not? The public decried that measure for weeks because it was clear you were helping those who did not need it while protecting your own assets. I guarantee if you  put money into the middle classes’ pockets, they will love you for it. You cannot go wrong. Regular Joes are sick of seeing the rich, powerful and corporations get what they want while the people struggle.  It is time to help those who you should have been helping in the first place. It is really simple – if the people can pay their bills, the economy moves again. Call it trickle-up economics. If I can make my mortgage and car payments, the banks have their money. If the banks have their money, they can lend money. If they can lend money, businesses can grow. If businesses grow, people get hired and can make their payments. Pretty simple really, even though the Democrats want it to be difficult so they have an excuse for sticking their heads in the sand. What is really complicated is the tax code, but this, this is easy. So return yourselves to the upright position, take Obama’s plan, push it through, and tweak it as necessary as we move along. Just do it.  You can do it. For God’s sake, will you do it? Idiots.

The devil is in the details

While Israel is blasting innocent civilians to hell and President Bush is sneaking one past the devil himself, it seems we could use some levity. Check out the following definitions, courtesy of the Urban Dictionary. Somehow adding “devil” to certain words really cracks me up -

Devil’s threesome – I believe this is what that wily serpent offered up to Eve if she ate the apple. That is why it is so taboo – you can never recover from such a vile transgression. If only Eve went the slightly more acceptable route, you might still be in the garden today…

Devil’s fart – this is just too damn funny. Don’t believe me? Read it again, farts are always funny. Always.

On a more somber note, there is this poor shlub. Just wanted to do a little skiing at ritzy Vail with the kids. Instead he is all over the internet being ridiculed (the guy was not hurt, so of course it is open season). However, the same cannot be said for the kid who was also up in the chair. If old dad was not already a major douche bag, this should put him over the top. Where are you supposed to look? “Hey Dad, you okay WHOA HOLY HAIRY GONADS DAD!”  I know suicide is a sin, but if that kid decided to end it, I would let him (or her) into Heaven, no questions asked.

Amen.

And then there are these…

I am having trouble finding really great images from 2008 (see heads and tails from 1/1/ 2009). Then I came across this. Some good stuff here, and a few worthy of a “what the hell is that?”

The first picture is a personal favorite – don’t mess with God, period.

Pictures five, twenty-six, thirty-one and thirty-eight are for real, folks. War is without question the easiest way to get rid of civilians. It is legalized murder, and easily condoned by those who can just turn the channel to avoid it.

Number twelve is baffling – people are just so damn stupid. Any wonder why there is a budget crisis in California? Do they drink that water? What does it take for people to stand up and say “Hell no, mother bus driver”?

More baffling is number 23. I really have no response to that one. Love the fashion – happening modern clothes with primitive war implements. Hey tough guy, we use blaze orange to not get shot in this country. I see a lucrative arms contract for whoever introduces them to camouflage and the atlatl.

Happy new year.

Heads & Tails 1/1/2009

This post has been extended to every two weeks.

Some images of 2008. They are not great (although the pigs are funny), but some notables:

Tails – Eliot Spitzer. Honestly, when you are that powerful and you lose everything because you need to pay for it, you deserve severe retribution. I hope his wife castrates him in his sleep.

Heads for a tail – Bush dodging the shoe. Not a fan of the Bushman, but admirable reflexes. Double tails to the journalist – throwing your shoes at the President is just plain stupid and unnecessary, and too late to really make a statement (he’s out at this point). Hope the GIs punched that guy in the nuts a couple of times. Give a tail to the Secret Service too: one shoe maybe, but Abu got both off without you guys even in the room. Did you forget you’re in Iraq? Idiots.

Not sure which way to go on the guy dropping the kid to save him from the flames. Wonder if the kid will be afraid of heights…

Tails, and castration required – This guy is a flaming moron. I know he is suffering in his own mind, but YOUR KID IS DEAD YOU LAZY STUPID $%&@! DEAD! DO YOU GET THAT?!? What a complete son of a bitch.